Total College Takeaways 9/10

Lamar Jackson Is Better Than Us All

Lamar Jackson is a god among us mere mortals. This guy is a freak of nature and the thing that kills me the most is that he’s getting smarter. That’d be like me finding out Alexandra Daddario loves guys with dad-bods, playing Xbox, and reading fantasy novels… the fucking tease of the century. The only thing is Louisville fans get to actually have sex with her and take her on lunch dates and brush her hair… wait… the hell was I talking about? Right, Lamar Jackson. He’s looking off defenders, making accurate passes over the top of the defense, and finding ways to extend plays with his legs while still looking to pass. It makes me sick that someone can be that talented at any one thing. If I had that kind of talent in anything I wouldn’t be sitting here in my underwear wondering if that stain on my shirt is from the ramen noodles I’m eating or if I forgot the basket of clothes I pulled it out of actually was dirty.

Thanks for making me feel shitty Lamar.


A Husker Loss Saves The Day

Nothing makes me happier than watching Nebraska lose on a Saturday. After living in Omaha for 4 years, I know Husker fans and they’re the second worst fan base in all of college football. One time I had a nice looking soccer mom threaten to kneecap me for wearing an Aggie shirt at a Target in Bellevue, NE. Those bastards are vicious. Plus, of all the irritating bullshit traditions we have in sports, nothing is more insufferable than the Sunday morning Cornhusker ritual of moral victories and silver linings. I get trying to pick yourself up after a big loss like any fan base would, but the level of delusion I’ve seen in Husker fans makes me feel good about my hometown fans continuing to believe Bill O’Brien is a good football coach. More on that travesty of a team tomorrow. 

husker mascot

P.S. – It’s just not the same watching Nebraska without Bo Pelini berating every player and coach on the sideline like an abusive father who had a few too many brewskies, you know what I mean?

Texas A&M Barely Holds Off Varsity Squad

The Aggies are just a massive pile of shit and I really don’t know any other way to put it. It’s hands down the worst 24-14 victory I’ve ever experienced as a fan of any team I root for. They allowed Nicholls State to score 14 points on them, how in the actual hell can you do that as an SEC team. I get allowing a garbage school to drop 14 against your second stringers once your starters put 45 up on the board, but they that’s not what happened. For that Aggie team to allow two touchdowns, while also failing to successfully drive the ball downfield and score points of their own against a Southland Conference team, it takes a special kind of shitty. That’s exactly what this Kevin Sumlin run team has become. Hell, even Vanderbilt would have dropped 21 by halftime. There isn’t a single thing that football team should be happy about right now. That was showing was worse than me having a Saturday special with the wife and I almost always walk away ashamed. Unless I’ve been drinking… Then I just pass out.

It’s fine though, don’t worry about me. I’m just going to sit here in my den of hatred and self-pity until the Ags come calling on Chad Morris or Chip Kelly.

Baker Mayfield With A “Total Bro” Move

I wanted to watch more of the Oklahoma – Ohio State matchup, but of course I had to watch Texas A&M until the very last depressing second and missed most of it. However from what I did catch, I saw an incredibly dominant Sooner squad. Oklahoma made Ohio State it’s bitch and the best part was that they did it in “The Shoe.” To beat the Buckeyes the way OU did at THE Ohio State University is impressive. HEY, another of college football’s most insufferable traditions… Buckeye fans. Remember when I said Nebraska fans are the second worst fan base in college football? Well, Buckeye fans are the absolute, undisputed worst. Watching Baker Mayfield run the OU flag around “The House that Harley Built,” in front of at least a billion buckeye fans right after dominating their team so handily, was hands down one of my all-time favorite “Bro” moves.

The idea of every Buckeye fan being made into a cuckold, being forced to watch him plant the flag in the middle of their precious “O”, is one of the singularly greatest moments in college football history.

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