Kingsman: The Golden Circle Review

The wife and I went and saw Kingsman today, and I don’t regret choosing this movie at all. If you want a fun and ridiculous two and a half hours, this is what you should go for. We actually saw the first one together, so I was curious to get my wife’s thoughts.

Strangely, the first thing she brought up was how clean they seemed to make the sequel as opposed to the first one. I looked at her with a very confused look because my mind went back to all the brutality and carnage I just watched, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to make sense. Even though there is some seriously gruesome shit occasionally, it doesn’t go as far as the first. I’m okay with that. I didn’t need it to enjoy the movie and neither did she.

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Another thing that seems to be a staple of the franchise is taking well-known actors and putting them in roles that seem off-key at first. You had Samuel L. Jackson playing a tech pussy with a lisp in the first movie, while the sequel has Julianne Moore playing the quirky and upbeat leader of a drug cartel who happens to have 50’s nostalgia….and robots. Her peppiness is only dropped for a few seconds the entire movie, but she’s still smiling when giving the order to kill people. She’s like a homemaker who puts humans in her cooking. I loved it.

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The plot of the movie is a bit…well weird. All the drugs Moore’s character pumps out has a virus that will kill anyone that takes them, and she has the only antidote. She calls the President to let him know they will all die unless he legalizes drugs. Yeah, I wasn’t that invested in it, either, but it’s only an excuse to have gunfights so who cares.

My biggest problem with the movie comes in the form of the AMERICAN version of Kingsman. See, the Kingsman had to travel to Kentucky because all their shit in England got blown up, which is apparently something you just gloss over to introduce Channing Tatum in a cowboy hat. He is an agent of the Statesmen (get it?), who have their headquarters in a god damn whiskey distillery because of course they do. Bringing in Tatum, Halle Berry, Jeff Bridges, and the guy that played Oberyn Martell (Pedro Pascal) in Game of Thrones was done in such a hamfisted way I just didn’t care. In one fell swoop, almost all the British charm of the first movie is taken out. Tatum is barely in the movie, too. It’s like they wanted him in it but he had other obligations, so they threw him in to give him a bigger role in the next iteration. Whatever, Pascal does a better job than almost everyone else anyway, which brings up ANOTHER problem I had, but I won’t talk about it because of spoilers.

Of course, you probably saw the previews, and already know Colin Firth is back and very much alive. Way to spoil that reveal, marketing team. I hear the director is actually pretty pissed off at the marketing of the movie, because of all the major spoilers they put out, and after watching it….yeah they fucked up. Anyway, he’s back and rejoins the team, and everything is set for the best parts of the movie: sweet, glorious killing.

Come on, like you’re going to see the movie because of the ACTING. No, you are here to see what kind of crazy shit they can put on screen and get away with. Let me tell you, it’s quite a lot. The movie opens up with a violent car chase through London, complete with miniguns and missiles, then you end up in snowy Northern Italy for another gun show, then the finale in the jungles of Cambodia (that’s also a 50’s era movie set). Honestly, how we get there and why take a backseat to the humor and action. I don’t give a shit if a bit of dialogue makes sense or a particular technology wouldn’t work with this kind of movie, because it DOESN’T MATTER. The only thing that matters is fun, and judging by the old guy laughing his ass off near us, it’s got that.

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If you want things like a coherent plot, Oscar worthy performances, and believable style…..this ain’t the movie for you. Go sit your ass down and wait for something else. If you want to have fun while satiating you’re bloodlust, head on down to see Kingsmen: The Golden Circle. Make a game of it and see if you can keep track of the bodycount. Good luck. Just remember the only three words you need for this movie: ELTON. FUCKING. JOHN.

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