Total College Takeaways 9/30

Mike Leach’s Pirate Boat Prevails

My wife tried to make me turn this game off on Friday night. Something about spending time and her needs… I don’t know I wasn’t listening.


I could feel it in my front loins! The Mike Leach pirate ship that is Washington State was going to pull out the upset and boy was I right.

I have two things to say about this game.

First, why does Mike Leach look like a guy who’s really confused while he’s taking a shit.

This is his face ALL OF THE TIME. I’ll bet you $50 he even makes this face in his sleep. That’d be creepy as shit.

Second, this was an incredibly fun game to watch, my wife even told me so afterward. One of my very rare “I Told You So” moments in our household.

It had lead changes, a USC quarterback choking under pressure, and a walk-on quarterback setting Pac-12 completion records. Everything I want in a college football game.

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Luke Falk might be one of the toughest kids I’ve seen play the quarterback position in quite a while. He was limping for the entire second half. He looked like Jimmy Valmer from South Park, but he kept on playing and finding ways to help his team keep the lead.

I think I might have my lead “Big Dick, Big Heart” candidate for this week when the hot new episode of The Total Bro Sports Show drops on Wednesday, so check it out.

Butch Jones Volunteers For The Dog House

Seriously with these puns… I am an effing master. It’s fine, I’ll give you a second to bask in my glory. Alright, that’s enough.

Let’s take a gander at Butch Jones’ situation right now.

I haven’t seen a seat this hot since the time my wife thought she caught me coming back from a strip club. You try explaining how glitter and a sickly-sweet smell of beer, perfume, and sweat was just a bad series of events while playing beer pong with some male friends. I would still rather go through that ordeal all over again than be in Butch Jones’ position.

His quarterbacks had a COMBINED QBR of 4.6. Holy shitballs.

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I mean, that’d be a great GPA. Sadly, that’s just not something Tennessee is known for.

Seriously, I thought every QB in the game just got a base QBR of at least 10. Like getting credit for signing your name on a test. These two guys couldn’t even pull off the football equivalent of signing their names.

Things are getting so bad for the Volunteers, the fans are fighting each other.

It’s like a disease that forces the body to eat itself from the inside out.

Jones might have the hottest seat in college football history right now and I’m not talking about the sexy position Cosmo put out a few years ago.

SO WHAT IF I READ COSMO!? I like to keep my woman happy! Unlike our friend Butch, I like to do whatever I can to keep myself from getting kicked to the curb.

Bye, bye Mr. Jones


LS-Who’s Homecoming?

If you would have told me going into this game that LSU’s offense was going to struggle THIS much I would have told you…

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But I never thought in a million years that they would actually lose to Troy.


I’m used to LSU having crap quarterback play, but you know there are major problems with this Ed Orgeron team when the Tigers have no run game.

They are also “known for defense” but Jordan Chunn ran through the Tigers’ front 7 like I run through a 12 pack of ramen noodles. It’s a lot. I mean like, the whole case in about 3 days.

What I’m trying to say is that he was unstoppable.

Sorry LS-Who, you have now officially faded into total college football irrelevance and with this savage-ass tweet from Troy University…

The Trojans have officially transcended into The Total Bro Hall Of Fame.


Kevin Sumlin’s Hot Seat Cooling?

What’s this? Texas A&M came from behind in the 4th quarter to win a game against an SEC opponent.

Holy dingleberries, I don’t even know what to do with myself right now. It took everything in me not to lose my shit, strip naked, and do victory laps around my house when they won, but I think I’ve scarred my children enough for one lifetime.

Keith Ford came up huge for the Aggies in this game.

But he isn’t the player I’ve been most enthralled with… I’m quickly falling in love with Kellen Mond.

Am I scared? You bet your ass I am. I’ve been down this road before. Put my heart and soul into a guy, only for him to let me down in the end. NEVER AGAIN KYLE & KYLER!

But this time feels different. Mond feels different. He makes me feel like I’m worth something, like my Aggie fanhood is worth something. I feel alive again!

He completes me.

He also might be the singular reason there is a chance Kevin Sumlin might get to keep his job. I know, I know, that seat is still pretty toasty, but how many coaches can take a true freshman, throw him into a starting position due to injury, and make him as successful as Kellen Mond has been.

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Next week is a wash because they will 100,000% lose to Alabama, but I’m excited to see this Mond/Kirk led offense throughout the rest of the Aggies’ season.

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