Baller & Squalor: NFL Week 5


Aaron Rodgers

How many freaking times is Aaron Rodgers going to do this to the Cowboys. It’s like the new annual NFL holiday “Rodgers Screws The Cowboys Day”, and it’s quite literally the shittiest holiday of the year. I would rather celebrate Lent for a year, giving up sex, than watch this mockery of an annual “festivity”.

I feel like an Aaron Rodgers last minute comeback always plays out the same way every time too. He’s held to a big 3rd down, converts the first down by running the ball, and then throws a TD to win the game.

Every. Single. Time.

Just imagine how many Super Bowls Green Bay would have at this point if they actually knew how to build a team around Rodgers. You know… things like an offensive line, competent running game, a defense, etc. The types of luxuries other quarterbacks in the league get.

rodgers glasses

Oh well, the Cowboys are 2-3 and I’m going to have to deal with it.

Long Live GODgers!


Jacksonville Jaguars

Oh. My. Goodness.

Do those little kitty cats in Florida have a real NFL team? I think they do.

This is the first year since I had kids 9 years ago that the Jaguars are a legitimate threat to any NFL team. I tried to tell people, after they pounded on the Texans in Week 1, that this defense wasn’t just a smoke screen. They have a legitimately scary defense with the best secondary in the entire NFL.

They have 15 takeaways already this year, 10 of them interceptions. You can do that kind of thing when you have Jalen Ramsey, A.J. Bouye, Barry Church, and Tashaun Gipson I guess.

On the offensive side of the ball, umm, they have Leonard Fournette. That’s about it. Blake Bortles is a trash muffin wrapped in a shit napkin. 95 yards Blake? Seriously? As long as Fournette keeps rushing for a couple hundo with at least two touchdowns a game they should be alright.

Honestly, the Jags might just end up winning the AFC South. Speaking of the AFC South let’s move on to our Squalor section.




J.J. Watt and Whitney Mercilus


That’s really all I have to say. Wow.

I’ve never seen two players that are so important to a team’s success go down in such quick succession. It was bad enough to watch Whitney Mercilus get taken back for a torn pectoral muscle, but then to watch J.J. Watt’s knee bottom out and end his season… it was absolutely brutal. Both players gone for the year, just like that.

First, I feel really bad for Watt. This is a guy who put an entire city on his shoulders during their time of crisis and all he wanted to do was come out and play a complete season of winning football. The look on his face when they were walking him off the field was nothing short of devastating for any Watt fan, Texans fan, or honestly football fan in general.

Second, Watt is never going to be the same guy he once was. It was bad enough he had to battle his way back to health with back issues and surgery, but this knee ordeal with the fractured tibial plateau looks pretty damn serious. The injuries add up and I just don’t see how he can go back to being as dominate as he was his first few years in the league.

That makes me sad. It makes an entire city sad, which brings me to my second squalor candidate…

The City of Houston

I’m a bit of an anomaly in Texas sports, in that I am both a Dallas Cowboys fan and a Houston Texans fan. I grew up in Dallas, but my wife is from Houston. I fell in love with the team back in 2008 and it’s only grown since moving here in 2011.

Sue me. I wholeheartedly believe I can be both and no one will stop me.


So now I can say something with experience and a little clout behind it: The City of Houston is cursed and it scares me.

Just when this city finally starts to feel some semblance of hope and joy of watching Deshaun Watson come into his own as the Texans’ franchise quarterback, the sports gods reach down into the hearts of every Houstonian and ripped that hope straight from their souls.

I have never seen a stadium deflate so quickly as NRG Stadium did during Sunday Night Football. It was dead silent. The energy didn’t just leave the building, it left the entire city.

So I officially rescind my Astros joke from last week. After they finished off the Red Sox, I have no choice but to pray to the sports gods themselves that they allow Houston the smallest sliver of happiness by allowing the Astros to advance to, and win, the World Series.

P.S. – New Rules for Houston Sports:

  1. Now more nationally televised games for the Texans.
  2. No more hope. Just stay hopeless until a team wins something. It’s the only way.

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