Baller & Squalor: NFL Week 7

Who kicked ass? Who sucked? It’s the NFL Week 7 edition of Baller & Squalor!



Ezekiel Elliott

Can anyone help me figure out what in the hell is going on with the Ezekiel Elliott situation? It’s the most confusing cat fight I’ve ever seen in my entire life and by “cat fight” I mean these two sides keep pussy footing around this six game suspension like the worst game of hide and seek in the history of mankind.

zeke hide.gif
“They can’t suspend me, if they can’t find me.”

Somehow, Elliott continues to suit up for Dallas and keeps finding clever ways to avoid this suspension the NFL doled out to him TWO MONTHS ago. It looks like he’s going to get to play in ANOTHER game this coming Sunday with his hearing set for Oct. 30.

He just ran rough shod over the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday, which isn’t really that impressive against one of the worst teams in the NFL. But still, when a guy puts up over 200 total yards and 3 TD’s you can’t really dismiss the outing completely. Couple this Week 7 effort with his sentence skirting super powers and Elliott has to be a de facto “Baller” for this week.



Amari “Motherfucking” Cooper and Derek “Holy Shitballs” Carr! Those are their nicknames, right?


Both of these fine, respectable gentlemen played lights out against the Chiefs on Thursday night. Their dominance was so absolute that I almost broke my rule and did an extra “Thursday Night” edition of Baller & Squalor. It was just going to be Derek Carr and Amari Cooper as the Ballers and everyone not named Cooper and Carr as the collective Squalor. They played so well they even made their own teammates look bad in comparison.

But I got lazy and drank too much so I didn’t write any special edition. I did the next best thing… I cheated and chose both today.

My article, my rules.

Cooper ended the week as the top wideout by a wide margin with 210 yards and 2 TD on 11 catches, even though he had multiple drops.

I really hope all of you fantasy owners didn’t bench him? I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT WOULD FEEL LIKE!? (Psst…I did)

The drops are going to continue to be a concern for Cooper, as he’s tied for the league lead in the category, but Carr is targeting him so much his stats can sustain a couple of big drops.

Derek “I’m Definitely Not My Brother” Carr had a huge game as well. People can say it’s easy to throw for 400 yards on 52 attempts, and that his completion percentage wasn’t all that great, but he threw 3 touchdowns, didn’t give away the ball, and he got his team the win. Plus, he did all of that with a back more screwed up than our current North Korean foreign policy.

I apologize. That’s the first and last bad political joke I’ll ever make. I hate myself now.

HEY! Speaking of hate…




Deshone Kizer

They could have had Deshaun Watson. They could have had him, but they decided to say, “Nope, we really like this ‘Cleveland is the worst run franchise in the NFL’ thing we’ve got going on, so we’re going to just not do that. Mmmkay? Thanks!”

So they drafted Deshone Kizer instead and he is absolutely terrible as an NFL quarterback.

Kizer has a ridiculous TD/INT ratio of 3/11. That means he throws almost 3.7 interceptions for every touchdown. That’s HORRIFIC. If I were Cleveland I’d rather beg Denver to give us Brock Osweiler back before I’d trot Kizer back onto the field.

He has the most interceptions in the league, leading Cam Newton by one, and his QB rating is almost half that of the next worst rated quarterback in the league, Joe Flacco.

I know, I know. I’m throwing a lot of stats at you and I said I’d never do that, but I honestly don’t know how else to quantify how truly bad Deshone Kizer is as a quarterback. He’s the worst quarterback in Cleveland history. I REPEAT, the WORST quarterback in CLEVELAND BROWNS history!

He’s so bad that Cleveland fans should be reminiscing the days of Brady Quinn and Brandon Weedon.



Indianapolis Colts

How on earth has Indianapolis won a single game this season, much less two? They are a horrendous excuse for a football team.

Oh right, they’re two wins are against the only two teams that are actually as bad as they are, San Francisco and Cleveland. Even in those games they almost lost and honestly they probably should have. If both games, against the Browns and 49ers, had been on the road, the Colts would be the only winless team in the league right now.

You know what, screw records. The Colts are hands down the worst team in the NFL. The fans don’t even want to be there to watch them.

Their defense is just so bad that, in the words of the great Bart Scott, they “couldn’t stop a nosebleed.”

To top it off, the offense isn’t that far behind on the awful scale. They’re being outscored by 103 points!

Let’s be honest, they didn’t have much of a shot at winning this game against Jacksonville. Getting shut out by that Jags defense, which I still maintain is the best defense in the league, was on the table from the beginning.

But to make Blake Bortles look as good as he did, and allow T.J. Yeldon to run all over you in Leonard Fournette’s absence, is just sad. Bortles is a terrible, terrible excuse for a quarterback and for 4 quarters against this Colts, he looked like the second coming of Tom “Definitely Not Blake Bortles” Brady.

blake bortles bad
This is how bad Bortles really is.

Cleveland and San Francisco deserve to be winless forever after losing to a team as horrendous as this.




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