Stop Telling Me I’m A Jerk For Not Liking Soccer

The World Cup of soccer, or football as it’s called in places most of us will never go, is upon us!  There was much crying out as headlines read “US will not participate in World Cup” or other such bland article titles. However, that’s not true!  Only men’s soccer will not be participating, but our women’s team will be repping the Stars and Stripes and will no doubt do a lot better, congruently, than the guy’s team…as they’ve done for a while now. Why the attention paid to a team that can barely crack the top 16, on their best day, compared to a team that has made it to, or won, the finals the last few times out?  Because sports media, for all their grandstanding about equality, still doesn’t give a shit about women’s sports. But that’s for another article.

Lot of girls and boys coming of age that day

The Cup is almost here…and I don’t care. I don’t care about the World Cup. I don’t care about soccer, and I’m not an asshole for not caring.

Not caring doesn’t make me uncultured.

Not caring doesn’t make me stupid.

I never watched as a kid and I’m simply not conditioned to delight in the game. It would be that easy, just to say “Ok, you have this and I respect that. I just don’t dig it.”  BUT NO!  I’m swarmed by hipsters, “world travelers”, and Reddit trolls alike on why I’m missing out on, or “don’t get”, the game.

And the reasons are as ridiculous as they are common.

I get that these people are very well conditioned. I respect that, but water polo is also an insanely conditioned sport and I dare say I’d much rather watch that than soccer!

But the biggest reason these elitist jerk offs throw out is the most agregous:


Well I retort with:


Do you know what else is popular all over the wolrd?!

Not recycling.

Treatable bacterial infections.

There are places where polio and smallpox exist where they play your beloved “footie.”

Just because something’s popular doesn’t make it good and if things that are allegedly good SHOULD be popular then Radiohead has some ‘splainin to do.

You poor, poor (economically poor too) countries and your holding onto these imperialist staples of old. Ever under their thumb of rules.

That’s why America is great. People came from all over and brought “house rules” and we changed the face of sport!

We took soccer’s concept and made basketball and the Canadians made hockey. Both are far more watchable events.  Basketball becoming more and more soccer-like with all the dramatic flopping going about.

Check out ice soccer

We took cricket and shortened it by two and a half days and made baseball.

We took rugby and turned guys into human missiles and made football. is pretty dope.

And don’t speak to me of barbarism in American sports. Soccer riots are of their own classification.

Additionally don’t speak to me of any kind of class of soccer fans concerning their player behavior.

Bruno Fernandes De Souza, a goalie from Brazil was found guilty of kidnapping, TORTURING, and murdering a woman that he knocked up and refused to abort the baby. He served less than five years and got signed by a team!  Why? Cuz he’s a good keeper!  Disgusting!

This fuckin guy

And that’s human behavior. That’s how much we imbue sports teams with our personal pride. And people that don’t like sports put that into artists or public figures that are equally shameful. Again, that’s a whole other article.

For now, enjoy your soccer, bro. I got other shit to watch.

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