Baller & Squalor Week 8: Wilson, Watson, & One Bad Tweet

Who kicked ass? Who sucked? It’s the Week 8 edition of Baller & Squalor!



The Texans Offense

What a mother flippin’ game we had between these two squads on Sunday. I mean the defenses looked like hot garbage for the most part, but who the hell doesn’t want to watch a good, old-fashioned back and forth on the gridiron. TOUCHDOWNS FOR EVERYONE! Who wants defensive stands when you can have a final score that looks like a bad college basketball game? Not this guy, I love scoring!

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Watson continues to amaze everyone. To be honest I really wanted to put him as the lone “Baller” in this spot today, but there was just way too much goodness in this game. Watson threw 3 interceptions and still managed a 77.5 QBR, with 469 total yards, and 4 touchdowns… absolutely insane.

It’s not like he didn’t have any help out there though. Deandre “I’m Finally Catching The Ball Again” Hopkins went out and caught 8 passes for a measly 224 yards and his compatriot Will “Look, I’m Catching The Ball Now Too” Fuller V stumbled his way into 125 yards and 2 touchdowns.

Real quick on Fuller, this kid is a lightning rod for that Houston passing game. He’s come up with at least one big catch in the 4 games he’s played since he came back from that broken collarbone and he has 7 touchdowns. 7 TOUCHDOWNS IN 4 GAMES! Watson loves this kid in the red zone so if you have him on your fantasy team, don’t let him sit on your bench with 33 points… not that I did that. (I did that.)

Watching this young Texans offense can be a little frustrating at times, that’s for sure. Playcalling from Bill O’Brien late in games leaves a bit to be desired. But when they’re on point, they’re one of the most explosive offenses in the NFL; all because of the Great Houston Hope that is Deshaun Watson. 

With all the issues the Texans have had this year, on and off the field, he is one very, very bright light for this “close, but no cigar” team. Watson might finally be that cigar? Or will he get them the cigar? I’ll be honest I don’t understand that phrase, so I don’t know where the cigar comes in. Maybe I should play it safe and just not use outdated idioms to get my point across. (*cough* Bob McNair *cough*)


Russell Wilson

I had a lot to say about the Texans offense and yet, they were second fiddle to this guy. Russell was Deshaun Watson before it was cool to be Deshaun Watson. If Watson is “Justin Bieber”, then Wilson is “The Decemberists”.

You get what I’m saying.

Wilson continues to be one of the 5 best quarterbacks in the NFL, but for some reason people keep forgetting about him. He’s like the San Antonio Spurs, grilled cheese sandwiches, and Steve Buscemi. All great things, but we constantly forget about them.

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Wilson put the Seahawks on his back in the final to minutes to gut out a close win against a pretty good team in the Texans. When Watson and the Texans scored, Russell said, “ F that S, I’m winning this B.” 

I just imagine Russell Wilson doesn’t actually curse. Just a lot of strong singular letter pronunciation and nonsensical soccer mom phrasing. Sayings like, “shut the front door”, “aw, shoot”, or “oh my Lanta” are probably very common in the Wilson household.

The dude is boring, that’s really what I’m getting at. But being a boring-ass, basic bro didn’t prevent him from racking up 452 yards and 4 touchdowns for Seattle on Sunday. Then to throw the go-ahead score to Jimmy Graham. This dude is sensational.

I would take being boring and forgettable any day if I could quietly be one of the most dangerous quarterbacks in the NFL and on the verge of another Super Bowl appearance.

*Gasp* Did I just make a prediciton of the highest hot-takery? Hmmm, that’s for another article entirely.




Cleveland Browns

Ok, so the Cleveland Browns are making this list for two reasons this week. First, they still suck at football and lost yet another game.

Deshone Kizer started at quarterback again and he’s still absolutely terrible. On a positive note he didn’t throw any interceptions ( yay! progress), but the fact that he can’t throw 10 yards downfield to a completely open Isaiah Crowell without throwing it 50 feet over his head has to be disheartening for Hue Jackson…and for Jimmy Haslam… and the city of Cleveland. I guess technically I could just put an et. al. right there and it would cover all the bases of disappointment that Kizer leaves in his wake after every game.

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Now for the second reason they made squalor this week… missing out on a Jimmy Garropolo trade. As far as everyone knows, Cleveland tried everything short of offering a first round pick to New England in an attempt to pry the pretty, former Eastern Illinois quarterback from the jaws of the Patriots, but apparently Belichick wasn’t biting on a Browns second round pick. Fast Forward a few months and now all of a sudden that second round price tag is exactly what the Patriots are looking for and… drum roll… the Browns scoff at it?

We know Jackson wanted either Garoppolo or McCarron. But when good old Jimmy G was finally on the table, why did Sashi Brown put the kibosh on a deal? Simple answer: BECAUSE IT’S THE EFFING BROWNS. Even a genius gets stupid when they spend too much time inside that organization. So you’re telling me that you wanted Garoppolo months ago, but now when you’ve lost every game and you have nothing but incomptency at the QB position, you don’t make a move? Riiiight.

Oh, Sashi… *sigh* maybe one of these days you and your moneyball buddy will pay off. Probably not though.

UPDATE: Apparently the Browns tried to trade for A.J. McCarron, but they failed to report the trade in time and the NFL gave them the big N-O. I only have one thing to say to that…

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My Texans/Seahawks Tweet

Ok, so I made a boo-boo on Sunday. I may or may not have made the tiny mistake of congratulating the Texans on a great win with this tweet…

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Here’s the problem, the game wasn’t over yet. After Marcus Williams intercepted Russell Wilson late in the 4th quarter that the game was OVER. I was so sure I decided to tweet about it… LIKE A FUCKING MORON.

I “Greg Abbott’ed” the shit out of this one and everyone let me know it.


Last but not least…

All in all, I learned three very valuable lessons through this massive social media gaffe of mine.

One, don’t tweet about victories until the game is over. This seems self-explanatory, but for some reason I got really stupid and did it anyway. I assure you, I have learned my lesson. I decided not to delete it so it can be a beacon in the darkness of Twitter for anyone to learn from, including myself.

Two, people on Twitter can be really, really brutal (especially when you deserve it) and the best thing you can do is swerve into it and try to be self-deprecating.

Three, I have very thin skin and apparently when I cry at night it sounds a little bit like Sloth from The Goonies… so I was told.

So kids, people are just humans and make silly mistakes… learn from my mine. Never tweet a victory before the fat lady sings. Unless you’re trying to troll an entire city that is.

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