There’s a lot of things that happen during the holidays we can’t control. Maybe you forgot to get someone a gift. Maybe your tree caught fire. Maybe you spilled coffee all over that job proposal right before the big meeting, and now your boss hates you, Jim. Maybe you have yet to encounter anything other than good tidings and joy. If that’s the case, I fucking hate you, but here’s a few holiday villains you should try and avoid so your holiday spirit stays metaphorical and doesn’t turn into an evil deity intent on devouring you.
This one I was a little hesitant to put on here, because in my mind, the Grinch is a bit of a sympathetic character. Why are the Whos so damn happy? It’s fucking weird, really. He just wants some peace and quiet, and they won’t shut the hell up with all of their Christmas shenanigans. I feel you, green guy…..BUT he does steal an entire town’s worth of shit. This mother fucker doesn’t even stop at expensive presents; he literally takes candy from babies, which I hear is pretty easy but still. Only problem is: he has a change of heart at the end because of a stupid Christmas song. Sorry, guy. Not much of a villain if the same thing that pissed you off in the first place can also make you happy the next day. That’s called being bipolar. So you only get to spot number 5. Next time take a child instead and maybe I’ll rank you higher….Hey, speaking of…..
4. The Wet Bandits
Harry and Marv on the surface don’t seem to be much more than simple burglars, and that’s essentially what they are at the beginning of Home Alone. They’re actually not that bad at it, either. Harry seems very capable of casing a house and scheduling a break in. We even see one successful attempt where Marv leaves their calling card. Thieves they may be, but not as nefarious as to land them in spot number 4….except for the fact that they become fixated on child murder. See, they are just organized assholes until Kevin McAllister gets in their way. Instead of leaving and ignoring the kid, they become determined to do….something….to him in payback for just being in his own god damn house. Now I’m not saying their pedophiles, but why else would two grown men go after a young boy with such vigor?
You know what I really don’t like to do? Deal with people. You know what the holidays force me to do? That’s right. Gotta go to the stores: huge crowds of PEOPLE. Gotta make food and have PEOPLE over. Gotta see all the relatives and deal THOSE PEOPLE. And people suck, too. Out of the thousands of people I’ve ever met, approximately five are tolerable. That’s not a good percentage. If people were an NFL franchise, they would be the Cleveland Browns. My wife is Tom Brady, though…….that’s not an analogy, either. I am married to Tom Brady. Anyway, you know what PEOPLE tend to do during the holidays? Wish me a Merry Christmas. Is it, mother fucker?! IS IT!?!?!?!
Know who could handle those crowds?….
2. Hans Gruber
First of all, I dare you to say that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. I swear to god I will send rabid baboons to acclimate your face to their ample posteriors. It happens to be the best action movie of all time, and Alan Rickman plays one of the best villains of all time. Let’s just talk about the movie for a second. This is one cold, calculating mother fucker. The entire reason for invading Nakatomi Plaza is to steal $640 million dollars, but he is able to disguise it all as a terrorist incident. When Joseph Takagi refuses to give him the code to the vault, Hans just casually shoots him in the head, a trick I’m sure he picked up in his days as an actual terrorist. The “West German Volksfrei” movement the film places him in is actually a made up name. The book, however, refers to him as a member of the Red Army Faction, which is notorious for the terror it spread for almost three decades. Hans also takes out his favorite murder pistol when Harry Ellis won’t shut the hell up and does the world a favor by causing lead to forcibly penetrate Harry’s brain cavity. He would have done the same to John McClane, too, but John was oh so clever. And let’s talk about the brass balls it must take to be hanging off a skyscraper and STILL trying to kill your foe as he tries desperately to save his wife. Then we’re rewarded with one of the best deaths in cinema history as plummets to the ground where a hapless clean up crew will require gallons of bleach to scrub off.
And last but certainly not least….
This shit wasn’t even close. Krampus is by far the most utterly terrifying and nightmare inducing holiday villain. There are quite a few versions of this folktale. Some are bad enough; Krampus will stalk naughty children and beat the shit out of them with tree branches. Or it gets into a darkness only Germans could dream up; Krampus will find naughty children and stuff them in a sack to save them for later. The “later” here can mean drowning the children, eating them, or just casually dragging them to Hell. The thing that worries me is that “naughty” is never truly defined and is left to interpretation. Like, are the only children being taken the ones torturing animals or if you lie about washing your hands do you get eaten by a goat-demon? Who’s the judge? Krampus? The parents? Jesus Christ, people, just say you have good kids and save them from eternal hellfire!!! Oh, he also makes the top of the list because the movie with his namesake happens to be one of my favorite holiday films. I think if you don’t watch it, you may be put on the naughty list (praise be unto Krampus).