I Really Didn’t Like Pacific Rim: Uprising. Here’s Why.

Back in the long long ago of 2013, the wife and I went to see what we expected to be a decent movie of giant robots vs giant monsters. That is indeed what we got out of Pacific Rim and not much more. As far as movies go, it was one big excuse to have huge robots punching alien baddies in the face. It was fun. It was silly. Charlie Hunnam wasn’t great, but Idris Elba and Rinko Kikuchi were more than enough to get you through, and Charlie Day just added to the mix with his shenanigans. When it was all said and done, we both had a good time and never watched it again.

Enter the sequel, Pacific Rim: Uprising. Charlie Hunnam is nowhere to be found, which I’m okay with but they also don’t explain where the fuck he went. Idris Elba….he ded…And Rinko Kikuchi is only there as an excuse for dramatic flair. John Boyega is here, but I couldn’t give a shit about his character. Scott Eastwood also shows up, and whoever the fuck keeps casting him should be kicked out of Hollywood. I fucking hate that guy. There’s also a mini-Jennifer Lawrence in Cailee Spaeny, who isn’t terrible, but dear god this script sucked. Trying to play her and Boyega together did not work. Her interaction with the completely forgettable rest of the recruits is even worse.

The entire god damn movie is an action cliche. At least the first one had a little bit of charm and emotion attached to the sequences. This one just kills children without even blinking and turns one of the funniest men on the planet (Charlie Day) into a psychotic mess. The coastal cities are still destroyed, by the way. They didn’t bother rebuilding them…..in ten years. Oh and there’s a Chinese company that wants to implement a fleet of drone robots to replace the ones with actual pilots, because….I don’t fucking know why. Oh wait yeah I do, to sell the movie in China. That’s the entire reason this movie is a thing. Good god what a shit show. Anyway, you get every standard line ever said about drone programs in the span of a few seconds: “No desk jockey can replace a REAL pilot”. Yeah, because all of the human pilots are so discerning as they rip buildings down willy nilly and rake their swords through everything in sight. But don’t worry; they tell you the city was evacuated. It only took 5 minutes, too, because that’s how real life works. Don’t think about any of the elderly or small children that likely couldn’t make it in time. It’s all about them robot fights, yo.

And will someone please explain to me what the point of Adria Arjona’s character was? For the life of me, I can’t figure out why the fuck she was in the movie besides to have an attractive woman to be Eastwood’s love interest…or maybe it was Boyega’s…it makes no fucking sense. I was also really sad they didn’t end up killing all the kids. Who is the only one they kill? The Indian one. Of course.

I swear to god I don’t want to talk about this movie anymore. What an absolute piece of shit. I could only come up with an incoherent mess of a review. I need something to scrub it from my mind because I just keep playing the shitty dialogue over and over in my head along with the question of WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A DISEMBODIED BRAIN IN THE TRAINING SIMULATOR?!?! I can’t wait for the behind the scenes stories to start filtering out about this movie. They better be batshit crazy because even the robots and monsters were a fucking waste.

 

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